I remember well when it started. It seems like only yesterday I was a happy-go-lucky herbalist. Learning, experiencing and delving into my love of herbs and all things related. My small home-based business was ready for the next step, so I called the most wonderful, knowledgeable woman I know to get some mentoring. Little did I know then what fate would befall me!
“Maureen, I need to do something in the way of advertising to get my name out there and get more people to the site,” I whined. “But I don’t have a big budget, so it has to have a lot of punch and be cheap.”
“I’ve got JUST the thing!” She said excitedly. “I’ve been looking for someone to handle the “Ask the Herbalist” column on "Herbnet". It would give you great exposure, and you’ll learn a lot through the experience. Plus, it won’t cost you anything!”
Enter the sacrificial lamb. Ya know that saying about, ‘If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is’? Long story short, after a little discussion, I agreed. Thus began my journey as an Herbal columnist. I jumped into my new assignment with vigor and excitement. The e-mails started increasing until I was getting somewhere between 20-50 a day. In the beginning, even though I thought I knew the answers, I looked up and researched every question to make sure I wasn’t putting anything out there that would kill someone. Questions were basic. Constipation, heart problems, anxiety, etc. Then, it started.
It’s hard to remember when the questions went from common to bizarre.
Dear herbalist, I have this awful rash. It’s all over my arms and neck. What do you think it is? Do you have a cure?
(blank stare) Are you KIDDING me?! Thinking it was a fluke and being extremely litigious conscious I reminded the inquirer that herbal remedies were not cures and that they should see a dermatologist to determine what exactly the rash was. I never heard back from them with further information. It gets better.
Dear herbalist, I am 5’3’ and weigh 235 pounds and need an herb to make me lose weight. Don’t tell me to diet and exercise cause it doesn’t work.
What do I do with THAT!? I let her know that without diet and exercise, there wasn’t an herb in the world that was going to help her.
Dear herbalist, I am getting ready to adopt and would like an herb to help me produce milk. I have 6 children ages 3-14 and I breast feed them all.
Well, that’s ONE way to get them through puberty! OK, I know that was probably a typo, but it tickled me just the same.
Certain trends began to appear. It seems that many of the inquiries came from men in the Middle East. I found it fascinating that men from that area of the world would contact a woman and ask her questions about their health. Some of them were truly bizarre and of a sexual nature, so I’ll spare you those gory details. But some of the e-mails actually made me blush. And I spent 20 years in the Navy!
One disturbing trend was the almost epidemic level of infertility in young women. A couple of studies in Wisconsin and Michigan attribute it to stress, but I have to say that at least 50% of my inquiries still have to do with this subject. It breaks my heart.
I have to say the smartest segment seems to be the animal lovers. Their questions were well thought out. They usually had a firm diagnosis before they wrote and didn’t have any pie in the sky expectations. Well, there was this one . . .
Dear herbalist, my little pookie has gastric problems and the vet tells me I need to change her food. He’s so insensitive. She will only eat double cheeseburgers from (name withheld to keep me from getting sued!). Is there an herb I can give her as a supplement to her preferred diet?
This one will love her pet to death, I’m afraid!
Of course, there were the inquiries that have to do with physical alteration. Growing this bigger or making that smaller. You get the idea. So many young girls wrote asking about breast enhancement. It made me sad to think that there was an entire generation out there who believed that at 16, bigger breasts would make their lives complete. God help us.
Dear herbalist, is there an herb that will make me jump higher? I’m on the basketball team and need some help.
Wasn’t Wonder Bread supposed to make you run faster and jump higher? Or was that Keds?
My favorite e-mails were the ones coming from writers from Africa and Asia. Most of them called me “Doctor” and were so respectful. Mom would be so proud – Doctor Mallinger! Of course, I always let them know that I was not a medical professional and could not diagnose or treat them. But it was still a great stroke to the old ego!
Speaking of doctors, I actually got e-mails from some in the medical profession.
Dear herbalist, I find your site a total sham and your advice without any medical merit. Do you really think educated people believe the information you’re spewing?
Gee, Doc, I don’t know. What I DO know is that YOUR patients are coming to people like me to get answers, because you’ve pumped them so full of pharmaceuticals and they are sicker than they’ve ever been in their lives. Sheesh!
Without going into detail, it was also amazing, with all the sex ed out there, how uninformed some folks were.
Dear herbalist, my boyfriend and I were making out in his car. We didn’t take our clothes off. Well, 2 months later, I am pregnant and don’t know what to do. Can you help me?
Gee, I wonder if her parents bought this story. I asked her if she had confirmed that she was pregnant. She said no, but she was sure she was. 16 years old! Frightening! Ya can’t make this stuff up, folks! Or how about this one, a classic.
Dear herbalist, my friend told me that he can make a girl have an orgasm without touching her by giving her an herb, but he couldn’t remember which one.
Wow! If you find out, could you write back and let ME know?!!
All in all, it was a great run. It forced me to crack those books and learn a lot more and it did bring plenty of customers to the site. The downside was the frustration at some of the false advertising and the realization that there were a lot of confused folks out there. I plan to write a book some day and share more of these little gems. Until then, I’ll keep cranking away with my Sage Advice and do my best to educate the masses. So keep listening, and Let’s Get Better!
This is the last month for the Cold & Flu Survival Pak and the Holiday Survival Pak, so stock up before they are all gone!
I have an exciting announcement to make! Starting January 2’nd, I will be working for Dr. Larry 3 days a week in Crystal Falls. It will give me a chance to meet many of you face to face, and I will also be having office hours there on Wednesday and Friday afternoons. You can still schedule these online. I’m very excited about this new opportunity! Please come by to see me, and for all you regular customers, introduce yourself to me there!
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